11 steps to get over someone who isn't good for you
1. Assess why you are with this person
If you're struggling to leave such a relationship, consider the reasons why you're staying around this person.
What unmet needs are they meeting in your life? If you are with this person, what do you get or how do you benefit from being with them? These are the reasons you are staying.
2. Assess the type of parents who raised you.
When you are struggling to let go of a partner who is not good for you, this is usually due to familiarity. We gravitate towards partners who give us a similar feeling to how we felt in childhood from upbringing.
We then try to correct the behaviour of our parents in our partner. It therefore helps to appraise the relationship and acknowledge the feelings generated in the relationship. Compare the behaviour of your partner with your parents.
3. Assess your emotional availability
Due to abandonment trauma, you might be emotionally unavailable. When you are emotionally unavailable, you gravitate towards people who are equally emotionally unavailable.
When you assess the root of your behaviour and unmet needs, reparent and heal the inner child. Begin to act in the best interest.
4. Prepare to leave or learn to live with or without your partner.
It can be a challenge to leave just like that. For this reason, you need to prepare to leave. Start with committing to yourself and acting in your best interest.
Your reason to continue the relationship is also based on prioritising your partner. When you learn to prioritise yourself you will begin to acknowledge your worth and put yourself first.
5. Strengthen your self-relationship
Living a life of self-betrayal happens when you have no sense of self. This comes from your trauma where you had to hustle for your worth. When parents are neglectful, authoritarian or permissive, this might lead you to feel defective. You might have a learned helplessness and not feel worthy of love.
You might also not believe that healthy relationships exist due to how your parents modelled love. Additionally, you might have learned helplessness which prevents you from taking charge of your life because you do not get guidance or tools for self-leadership.
To improve how you relate with others you need to first improve how you relate with yourself. You can only do this effectively if you understand your emotions and how they affect your behaviour.
6. Self-love
Self-love encompasses any self-words that you need to either attain or counter. To improve self-love requires that you self-parent to heal the inner child's wounds. When you develop compassion for your wounded inner child, you can begin to manage yourself.
Trust yourself and take responsibility for your life, and for how you feel use emotions to guide you to meet your needs. Use emotions to identify your unmet needs manage yourself and treat yourself like you matter.
You recognise the need to treat yourself with respect and dignity and therefore apply boundaries. This helps you recognise your worth and stop attaching to an outcome.
7. Selfparenting
Think of yourself as a child you love in a similar situation to the one you are in. What would you do for this child? Do that for yourself.
When you become your parent, you can begin to prioritise your needs and learn to act in your best interest. Start a self-care habit, objective evaluation of triggers and introduce replacement exercises.
8. A self-care habit
Commit to yourself with a self-care habit. Start your day intentionally by engaging with yourself before engaging with anyone or anything. Do for yourself what a loving parent would do for a child they love from morning till night. A self-care habit improves your emotional baseline.
Start your day with gratitude.
Meditation
Deep breathing
Affirmations
Tapping
Set an intention
Throughout the day Mindfulness, Less complaining, boundaries, objective evaluation of triggers such as SIFTSEM and Bedtime reflection.
9. Objective evaluation of triggers
You need an objective evaluation tool to address your triggers and life questions. Reflect on a life question such as, " I feel afraid of leaving this relationship even if it's unhealthy and I'm not content."
The objective evaluation tool helps understand what you do, why you do it, how you feel when you do it and what you think. Understanding your bodily responses to a situation or triggers is key to self-regulation. Additionally and more importantly, objective evaluation tools help you identify unmet needs for your triggers or why you do what you do. This helps you parent yourself and create solutions to meet your "unmet needs" on three levels: you, a circle and the greater good.
10. Love on three levels and replacement exercises
We are humans of habits. To stop one habit, we need a replacement. Learn replacement exercises that enable you to shift focus from your partner to yourself and people who are good for you.
When you practice objective evaluation of a trigger in your relationship, explore solutions to the situation. The solutions include what you do alone rather than focusing on what your partner needs to do for you. And what you can do with your circle, as well as how you can help the greater good to shift focus off yourself.
Include creativity, Vitality and stillness. Apply love languages.
You need a support circle and people who hold space and give and receive love.
11. Let go of attachment to outcomes
When you begin to love yourself, you let go of control and let go of an attachment to an outcome. You trust and allow your partner to know and do what's best for them. You focus on what's within your control.
Instead of feeling like your partner is the only person you can be with, you begin to consider an ideal situation you want to be in. You are more interested in a situation, not a person. You also recognise that your happiness is an inside job, so you do not attach a relationship to your happiness.
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As you improve your self-relationship and shift focus on other relationships, you will begin to feel a sense of peace, and safe in your body, acknowledge your worth and let go of attachment to outcomes. You might equally begin to recognise that you treasure being around people who value you. This allows you to enforce boundaries in your relationship. You are no longer scared of leaving your partner because you know you're loveable as you are. In some cases when you make changes and express your standards, your relationship improves. If it does not, you're prepared to leave.
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